“In fact our lives are “tapestries,” and the death of a loved one is a ripping, gaping, bleeding hole in the very midst of that tapestry of our life. How, then, is the tapestry rewoven? It does not, with the mere passage of time, magically pull itself back together. Rather, it is rewoven only with the initiative, energy, and strength of the survivor reaching in and grasping the torn ends of threads, painfully pulling them back and tying them together. And it is rewoven only with those persons around the survivor cutting threads from their own tapestries and bringing them to the survivor, with love and support and caring and tears and strength, helping to further tie the threads and fill in the gaping hole.”
— Charles Meyer, in Surviving Death
People who are grieving are overloaded with emotions that need to be expressed in some shape, form, or fashion. According to Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, “People need to be encouraged to talk about the person who died, to remember him, to share about him, yes, perhaps to even talk to the person who is now dead” (93). Online memorials are one way in which the bereft have found a creative outlet in which they can strengthen existing bonds and create precious new ones by creating online communities, and working through the grieving process in a more effectual and creative way.
In a study about online memorials conducted by Pamala Roberts and Lourdes A.Vidal in 2000, they found “that the typical memorial was to a mid-life male. The typical author was a child, although authors also included, in large proportion, parents and friends. In 1998, a study was conducted to analyze memorial sites created to commemorate the death of a cherished pet. The study concluded that “although most memorials are written by a single person, a significantly greater number of companion animal memorials list multiple authors” ( De Vries & Rutherford 9-10). Even though the authorship is slightly different than sites created for human loss, the content is surprisingly similar. The lengths of the pet sites are about the same as those for people, as well as the messages left on the sites.
The most current study on web memorials was done by Brian De Vries and Judy Rutherford. In the study they analyzed most of the same aspects as the previous studies that had already been completed years earlier, such as “the characterization of these memorials: who writes these memorials and about whom are they written? What forms do these memorials take and what themes are contained therein” (DeVries and Rutherford 9)? In short, who are the authors and what aspect of the grieving process motivated them to create the sites (memorials). For their study they used the web cemetery named Virtual Memorial Garden (VGM). This is the largest free, text based, web cemetery currently in use on the Internet.
VGM “contains over 6700 memorials to people and over 4000 memorials to pets” (DeVries and Rutherford 10). DeVries and Rutherford randomly selected five percent of the memorials that were posted since 1999. They studied these sites based on various variables, which included the gender and age of the deceased, the gender of the author and his or her relationship to the deceased, length of entry, cause of death, the expression of sadness over the death or missing the deceased, and the types of memorials (letter to the deceased, eulogy, tribute).
When the study was concluded they found that the majority of authors’, similar to the findings of the earlier studies, "experiences that promote emotional expression, including grief, tend to be more characteristic of women than of men” (Sanders 121). In addition to the majority of authors being women, the most frequent authors were children of the deceased. This may be because, for one, women traditionally were the ones who participated in mourning rituals, and secondly, children are growing up in a technologically savvy time.
The Internet, the computer, and many other forms of technology are as common to the children of today, as the Atari was to children twenty years ago, and it is because of these new forms of media that society, mainly the children, have been made to be more receptive of death. Information is not only easier to access, but easier to distribute as well. Violence and death are everywhere. No longer is death something that happens elsewhere. So “perhaps this reflects the search for the opportunity to express grief in a societal context in which the death of a parent is seen as expected, timely, fair, and less tragic” (Moss and Moss 92-93).
The second largest group of web memorial authors, found during the study, was not direct relatives, rather they were friends. People such as friends or perhaps lovers are often called disenfranchised grievers, which mean it is not commonly accepted that they grieve as family members do and so are often overlooked. They are given no concrete outlet in which to ease their pain, but through the use of web memorials they “may find a valued and rare place to articulate their grief in cyberspace” (De Vries and Rutherford 19). The same notion may be said of relatives and friends who are grieving because of a disenfranchised death, such as a death caused by suicide or AIDs. However fascinating the authorship of the memorials is, the content found within the memorials is more intriguing. The content found gives even more insight as to how the bereft use web memorials, no matter what type of site is used, to aid them in passing through the Five Stages of Grief.
In the memorials that were studied by DeVries and Rutherford, “more than one-half of the memorials on the site …assumed the form of a letter to the deceased” (DeVries and Rutherford 20). Not surprisingly they too were mostly from women writers. However, out of the one-half, most of the grieving authors were parents. The letters themselves expressed profound emotion states. Most of the parents it seemed were trying to find some sort of meaning for the deaths of their children. The initial expression of grief is more than likely not the only reason these web memorials were in the form of letters. They may have been a way in which the living is trying to hold on to the bonds that they shared with the deceased, “an important aspect of this form of memorialization unavailable elsewhere. The inclusion of updates in some of the letters further supports this interpretation and assumes an active listener who keeps up the day-to-day comings and goings of the living” (DeVries and Rutherford 21).
Eulogies or obituaries were also used on the sites that were studied by DeVries and Rutherford. This feature is typically associated with traditional funeral practices. The eulogies, which were generally longer then the letters, “enabled the authors to tell stories and give examples to illustrate the character of the deceased and how he or she related to others. Again, the authors of the eulogies were children, who would more often than not share some happy memory. It is thought that perhaps the death of an older person is not as traumatic for the bereft as in the majority of the cases in which letters were used. In comparison, the content of the eulogies as well as their authors’ genders and ages versus the authors and content of the letters, it seems that the less traumatic the death the easier it is to pass through the grieving process.
Tributes were the least common method used to commemorate the dead on the web memorials. Out of the three methods, tributes “are the most formal (i.e., somewhat less personal) of the memorials and were, concomitantly, written by in greater proportion by groups of authors” (DeVries and Rutherford 22). They resembled gravestone writings in that they contained little information about the deceased and they were short.
Web memorials, whether they are web cemeteries, blogs, freestanding web pages or part of a web ring, combine elements of traditional funeral practices with elements that emerge with new technologies. They are used as a way to “celebrate a private mourning in a public place…offer unobtrusive access to very personal and private mourning rituals and are inclusive of all who have access to a computer” (DeVries & Rutherford 23). Web memorials help the bereft through the grieving process, known as the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance), in several ways.
First of which, web memorials allow the bereft a creative outlet that does not completely take over their lives, whereby they can hold on to and maintain the bonds, or attachments, they formed with the deceased prior to the death. Secondly, web memorials often create vast support groups known as web communities. These web communities are extremely important to the bereft in that they provide the grievers with access to many individuals who are experiencing or have experienced similar emotions. This allows the bereft to form new bonds or build on existing ones while coming to terms with the bonds that were just lost. Third, “the content of the memorials reflects the many process of coping with bereavement, from expressing deep loss to (re)construction of the meaning of life after death of a loved one” (Stroebe and Schut 401).
Works Cited
De Vries, Rutherford, Brian, Judy. "Memorializing Loved Ones on the World Wide Web." Omega 49(2004): 5-26.
Kubler-Ross, Elisabeth. Death: The Final Stage of Growth. 1st. New York: Simon & Schuster, Inc., 1986.
Moss, Miriam S., and Sidney Z. Moss. The Death of A Parent. 3rd. Newbury Park: Sage, 1989.
Sanders, Cathrine M.. Living with grief: Who we are, and how we grieve?. Bristol, PA: Taylor and Francis, 1998.
Stroebe , Margaret , and Henk Schut. Models of Coping With Bereavement: A review. Washington DC: American Psychological Association, 2001.